Week 4: How to Process Grief for You and a Friend

And now we’re having to give this unfair gift to another person. But I just want to emphasize that we’re doing this work for us. And forgiveness isn’t going to immediately make all the trust issues go away. Forgiveness doesn’t even promise us that reconciliation in the relationship is going to be possible. But forgiveness is a great, wonderful step to take for us, to free us from carrying that weight of unforgiveness. KS: Yes, and this week, everyone will read about what it’s like to work on somebody else, more than maybe they’re willing to work on themselves.

And I’ve seen that happen in my own life, especially in past relationships with boyfriends and just trying to do and fix them, to a certain extent, when I see no movement on their part. And I think the reason why I did that was because I didn’t want to experience the loss that might come from if they if they didn’t work on themselves. And so, I’d love for you to speak into grief and loss and what that looks like. LT: Absolutely, well sometimes we can get caught in this trap of wanting so desperately for things to get better in the relationship.

And so, we work really hard on ourselves. And as we get healthier, the unhealth of maybe another person, maybe they have addiction issues, maybe they have, you know, some kind of emotional trauma that’s been undealt with. That becomes more and more apparent. Because healthy, cannot bond with unhealthy. So, we’re trying to lift that other person up to a better place. The problem with that is when we get caught working harder on someone else than they’re willing to work on themselves, things just don’t go well.

KS: Yeah, LT: That never goes well. KS: Yeah, and it seems like a good thing at the time. Right? LT: Well, it seems like a good thing. Because A; we want the relationship to get better. KS: Yeah. LT: B; we want whatever’s causing the heartbreak or the hardship or the conflict or whatever, we want that to be more peaceful. But also, if this other person is dealing with addiction issues, and there could be significant consequences with the fallout.

KS: Right. LT: And so, it’s hard to turn that person over to their choices when you are closely connected in relationship with them, because you know, that the fallouts not going to just affect them. But the consequences are also going to be unleashed on you because of your proximity in that relationship. KS: Aw, that’s a great point. LT: So, if this is an acquaintance at work, it’s a lot easier to separate yourself. If this is a parent, or a sibling, a best friend, a spouse, it’s much more difficult to do this.

And so, it only makes sense, our tendency would be, well, if I don’t want to turn them over to their choices, I’ve just got to work on them. And so, we arrange things. And when I say work on them, it’s like; I’m gonna find you the right counselor. I’m going to find you the right book to read. I’m going to find you the right sermon to listen to. I’m going to find you the right seminar to go to, you know, and we may be willing to do it with them. But the thing is, that change has to come from the inside of them in order for it to be lasting.

I think I’ve talked about in the book, I had this revelation one day, it’s kind of like CPR. KS: Yes. Yeah. LT: You know, like from external realities like I can, I can help your body temporarily have the blood flow and the oxygen that it needs by administering CPR to you. KS: Yes. LT: But I cannot sustain your life, long term, using CPR. At some point, your heart has to start beating again. At some point you have to breathe on your own. And that’s the same way it is when someone is dealing with something, you can’t want it for them more than they want it for them.

At some point that internal motivation for change has to come from within them in order for it to be true sustainable change. KS: Right Lysa, right. That’s so good. And what would you say about when it comes to grief and the part that that plays in relationships as well? LT: So, this is really hard. The grief process is always complicated. If someone passes away. And I don’t know Kendra, if you’ve ever lost someone that you love, and walking through the different parts of grief are very hard.

At first, you don’t want to accept that they’re really gone, it feels so shocking. And then, you know, you go through different phases, you know, you could go through denial, you can go through anger. But then finally, that final step is where you accept, like, this is the reality. And at some point, you’ve got to move on, right? And you can get stuck in different phases and different things. But when you’re grieving, something about a relationship, that person is not, they have not passed away, but they’re still there.

It can feel very confusing what to do with those feelings, because we usually only attach grief with loss. But I’ve learned in my life that I have to attach grief to loss of any kind. And it doesn’t just mean that someone has passed away. It can, mean that they are unwilling to change. It can mean that they aren’t capable of change, or it can just mean that the relationship, that person is going to go on and that relationship did not survive. And so, there is grief there.

The hard part is that we don’t know how to mark those moments of grief. Because when someone passes away, we have a funeral. KS: Yeah. LT: You know, we have kind of a time where we remember them. KS: Right. LT: And then it there’s this marked moment, there’s a gray, there’s just kind of that typical flow of grief. But when we’re losing something that we desperately wanted to be, and we feel like it could be because that person is still alive.

And so, there’s still that potential. You know? The Bible says. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick. ”. And when we keep hoping, and then it doesn’t happen, and hoping and it doesn’t happen. At some point, we would be wise to have a marked moment where we say it’s time for me to grieve, a change that this other person is unwilling to make or incapable of making, or they’ve rejected the possibility of changes, and they’ve walked away. And I think it’s important for us to remember that grieving is going to be part of that process.

I wrote in the book, one of my favorite quotes is, “Grieving is dreaming in reverse. ”. KS: Yes. LT: And if you think about normally, when we look to our future, we’re dreaming about things that we’re excited to step into. But when we’re grieving, we’re thinking about the way things used to be. And let’s be honest, sometimes romanticizing them better than what they actually were. KS: That’s so true. LT: Right, and so we’re constantly going backwards.

It’s like we’re dreaming about what used to be, but what will not be in a longer. And for me, I’ve had to learn how to have a lot of mini funerals. KS: Yes. LT: And it’s important, especially in relationships, where I love this person, and they’re still going to be part of my life. And maybe for you, again, it could be a sibling. It could be a friend. It could be a parent. It could be a grandparent. It could be a spouse. But if we’re always pushing for something, a change that this other person is not willing to make, we would be wise to grieve that for this season.

And that grieving and accepting, like this is a change they’re unwilling to make, if you decide that you’re going to continue in that relationship, what boundaries need to be in place? What safeguards need to be in place, because these changes haven’t happened. But then you can have a much better assessment of what the relationship actually is. Because where the intensity of the conflict will come is when you keep expecting things to be different, that the reality is they’re not different.

KS: Right, and it’s exhausting. LT: And it’s exhausting. And so sometimes we all hear people say, “Well, I feel so powerless in the relationship because if they won’t change, things won’t change. ”. But you’re not really powerless. You have a lot that you could actually do. You can grieve what they’re not willing to change, like we’ve been talking about. You can set boundaries up for the sake of your own emotional health and you can also make changes in the relationship.

The main point though, is to keep enough emotional safety in the relationship or distance so that you can retain your emotional health and your sanity in the process KS: That is so good Lysa. And this week, we actually get to read about boundaries. And you give us some questions to think through when setting boundaries. And you have a list of different things that we can look through as we figure out what those boundaries are. And we have this thing at Proverbs, which I know you know about.

It’s called Therapy and Theology, and you actually do an episode about grief? LT: That’s right. And we’ve done episodes on boundaries as well. KS: Look at that. LT: So, and I know sometimes when you hear boundaries, you think that’s so cruel. And boundaries seem like a sign of unforgiveness. When done properly, they’re not cruel, and they’re not a sign of unforgiveness. You know, boundaries aren’t meant to shove another person away. They’re meant so that we can hold ourselves together.

And I think that as I’ve dug into scripture, one of the most confusing verses I had to study in the forgiveness book is where Jesus says to forgive 70 times seven. And on the outside looking at that verse, it can kind of mean like, well, so I’m just allowed, I’m supposed to stay close enough to that person to where they can just hurt me,70 times seven. No, I think what Jesus is teaching us is create enough emotional distance, safety, so that you can see this person doing whatever they’re doing.

But you have enough stability, and emotional safety, or maybe even physical safety, so that if this person doesn’t change, you can forgive them 70 times seven without getting destroyed in the process. KS: So good Lysa. We look forward to digging into the chapters for this week. We hope you guys have a great week. I know there’s a lot that we get to explore. And so, Lysa, thank you for offering some more wisdom. And everyone like we do at the end of every video we like to just make sure that we know, that when you know the truth and live, live the truth, it changes everything.

Lysa has a way of putting scripture all throughout the book, so we can do just that. Everyone have a great week. .