Helping Someone Grieve - Stress from Loss - Part 2 | Mike Mazzalongo | BibleTalk.tv

• All right, well, here we are our Stress Buster Series. We’re already at lesson number seven and the title of this lesson is Stress From Loss Part 2. Stress From Loss Part 2. Last time we talked about the stress that is caused by loss, and basically the relationship between stress and loss is that loss, any kind of loss produces grieving and grieving is stressful. So there’s the connection. I mentioned several things about grieving, just a little review here. First of all, it’s a process that has identifiable stages.

00:41 - We talked about the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Also, we said that grieving was necessary for recovery. Grieving is the body’s way to cope with loss and each stage in the process of grieving had a purpose. Another thing we talked about, everybody grieves, whether they’re conscious of it or not. And we’re not quite ready for the experience when it comes.

01:20 - The fourth thing, grieving produces stress and a way to lower stress was to understand the process because most of the stress in the grieving process is caused by the fact that many do not understand what’s happening. When you don’t understand what’s happening to you, when you don’t understand why one day you’re angry and next day you’re depressed then another, two days later you feel you’ve kind of got a handle on the situation, then you’re angry again. When you don’t understand that you’re going through this particular process, that creates a lot of stress. So one of the ideas in the grieving process to lower the stress is to understand about the process of grieving. All right, so in this lesson, we’re going to look at how other people react to us as we grieve.

02:16 - And we’re going to study a biblical strategy for grief recovery. Now, usually the first stage of grief is denial. We don’t want to believe that what is happening has actually happened to us. We refuse to face the facts. How many people say, I just can’t believe that he’s dead, or I can’t believe that she’s gone, or people who have lost a certain mobility, the ability to walk or to see or to do something, have a hard time letting go the idea that they can still do everything that they used to do. But in reality, they can’t. Sometimes we avoid the subject, denial by neglect. We don’t want to talk about it. Or we put off grief through activity.

03:10 - We overdue work or hobbies, or we abuse things like food or drugs or too much TV, too many video games. I remember one of the ladies here, that many of us knew in our congregation, her name was Bernice. And a wonderful lady and her husband died and her husband died and we had the funeral and not just not a few weeks after her husband died, she started writing poetry. She wanted to put poetry. She wants to put her poems in the bulletin. She learned how to play the guitar and wanted to perform some of the songs that she had written. She got busy doing quilts. She was just all over the place.

03:59 - And then finally she crashed and fell into quite a deep depression and couldn’t understand why. And even many of her family members couldn’t understand why this had happened. Well, she had put off the grieving process through busy-ness. She got busy writing songs, playing the guitar, traveling, doing all kinds of things, doing anything except facing the reality that she had to go through this process. So it’s important to get beyond denial because we can’t heal until we do so.

04:38 - Now sometimes our family and our friends who are witness to our loss go into denial themselves. They’re affected by the grieving process. A person’s pain is minimized by others in order to kind of rush them through the grieving process and thus denying its legitimacy. The idea is if they get better faster, then this thing that happened is not really that bad. At other times, excuse me, the pain is explained away by using platitudes or rationalizations that serve only to protect the helper from dealing with the unpredictability and the difficulty of life and offers no real comfort to the one who is grieving. In other words, helpers say phrases to make the other person feel good.

05:47 - They think they say things like, “Well, you’ve got to start thinking positive or whatever you do, don’t let yourself go or think of the children. Stop being depressed or stop grieving. Think of the children or grow up or cowboy up or toughen up or man up.” Or my personal favorite, “You know what, it’s better this way.” All things to try to move the person out of the grieving process as quickly as possible. The book of Job in the Bible provides a wonderful little illustration of this kind of ineffective constellation given by friends, especially in Job chapter eight.

06:36 - I think we’re pretty familiar with the story of Job. Job has lost everything, right. He lost his family, his money, his health, his home, his wife, and then his friends come to console him. As he sits in dust and ashes covered with painful sores all over his body. And at first they sit quietly with him, but then they begin to speak to him. One of his friends named Bildad begins to talk to him about his, meaning Job’s attitude, because Job had been lamenting and crying out to God for an explanation of the things that had happened to him.

07:21 - And so we read in Job chapter eight, beginning in verse one, it says, then Bildad the Shuhite answered, “How long will you say these things and the words of your mouth be a mighty wind? Does God pervert justice? Or does the Almighty pervert what is right? If your sons sinned against Him, then He delivered them into the power of their transgression. If you would seek God and implore the compassion of the Almighty. If you are pure and upright, surely now He would rouse Himself for you and restore your righteous estate though your beginning was insignificant yet your end will increase greatly. Please inquire of past generations and consider the things searched out by their fathers. For we are only of yesterday and know nothing because our days on earth are as a shadow.

08:17 - Will they not teach you and tell you and bring forth words from their minds?” So here Bildad, he’s concerned that Job’s questioning shows a lack of respect for God’s justice. So he kind of leaps to God’s defense here. Bildad thought as was the thinking of that era that God visited immediate justice or blessing on people. If you were rich and had a lot of blessings, well, it meant that you were a righteous person. However, if you were ill or if there were tragedies in your life, well, it meant that there was sinfulness in your life and you were being punished for the sinfulness.

09:00 - So what does he do? He tells Job to sort of own up to what he’s done wrong and everything will be okay. His theory is nice and neat, and it enables him to avoid emotional entanglement with Job. He just points out Job’s mistakes and in doing so thinks that everything will be fine. Job doesn’t buy it. Even though he used to believe in the same theory, but he doesn’t buy it because he’s done his best to serve God and yet he still suffering. In other words, Job himself knows that he is a righteous man.

09:39 - He’s not done anything to offend God, and yet he’s being punished and he is suffering. So there’s something that’s not right here. So this story highlights some ineffective methods that friends and family have of avoiding the grieving process themselves when loss occurs close to home. In other words, they don’t like to see somebody else grieving because it means that they also will be drawn into the process. So there are ways that we can help grieving people that will assist them in their time of need and also help reduce the stress that comes from the process.

10:28 - For example, offer physical affection, a hug, an arm around the shoulder, the holding of someone’s hand. In other words, communicate caring without words. This is very helpful. It doesn’t solve the problem. It doesn’t answer any questions. It simply demonstrates affection for the individual at a time when they need human affection and human caring. Another thing that helpers can do, they can say, if you need to just talk, then call me. In other words, you can be available and you can repeat and present the opportunity to show sincerity over and over again.

11:22 - When your friend who is grieving knows that you’re available just to listen to them, not available to tell them what to do, just available to sit with them and help them bear the burden that they carry because of their grief. This is helpful. This reduces stress. Offer a specific service. “Let me bring dinner to your house on Wednesday night or Thursday night, which would be a convenient night for you. Or I noticed that the grass is getting a little long and I’m sure you don’t have time or I’m sure you’re certainly not in the mood to do yard work, why don’t I come over on Saturday and just take care of that for you.” Offer a specific service, why? Because it’s helpful. Again, does it answer the question, why? Does it take away the grief? Does it bring back the person who was, no, but it does lift some of the burden of everyday life from that individual and consequently lowers the stress.

12:36 - It’s stressful to see your property going to pot and not just not feeling like getting out there and mowing and clipping and edging and doing what you normally used to do to keep everything ship-shape. Another thing that you can do to help. You can express your concern. You can express your love with words of encouragement, to help the individual during this time of difficulty. You can help them by giving them a sympathetic ear. You can repeat to them that you’re trying to understand how difficult it must be going through what they’re going through. This comes across as a concern. It comes across as, my friend cares about what has happened to me. You can share your own feelings.

13:51 - You can share some of your own feelings and experiences in similar circumstances. When someone loses a loved one, I can relate to that person because I’ve lost loved ones. Maybe not in the same way. Maybe I didn’t have the same relationship with the person that I love that that they had, but there’s some similarities that take place when you lose a dad or a mom or a sister or a brother or a spouse. And sometimes you’re able to say, “I know how you feel in losing your spouse of many years, because I lost my spouse of many years and I sympathize with you.” That’s very comforting to the other individual. Again, you’re not explaining a why.

14:44 - You’re not thinking that this is going to solve all the problems, but there’s something very comforting in the idea that a friend, a person really understands the pain that you are experiencing because they also shared this type of pain. You can also include the grieving person in your everyday life, an invitation to dinner, or perhaps let’s just go watch a ball game. Something ordinary to do, just to change the dynamic. A lot of times people, especially people who have lost a marriage partner, not through death, but through divorce find themselves very lonely before when they were married, there would be invitations to dinner and vice versa. We go to your house, you guys come to our house.

15:48 - And then after the divorce, even if the individual is there is, has been the one who has been abandoned for some reason or other they no longer fit socially with their friends anymore. They’re not a couple. And so they don’t get invited to play cards or they don’t get invited to just to go to the barbecue anymore. And so including the grieving person and for whatever reason they’re grieving, including them in simple things of life is very comforting and it helps them take a step towards having a normal life again. And as I mentioned before goes a long way in lowering the stress caused by significant or the loss of someone significant in their life. And of course, offer spiritual help, offer to pray.

16:54 - And make sure when you say, “I’m going to pray for you.” Make sure you follow through on that. I mean, even if you don’t follow through on that exactly at that moment, make sure that when you go home at some time or another, that you follow through on the promise to pray for that person or perhaps to study the Bible with them, or maybe help them to make it to church and help them not to fall into the habit of not coming to church. Of course, you understand why a person may not feel like, coming to church to worship, if you wish, immediately after a significant loss of some kind. I can understand that. But there comes a time when that individual has to kind of begin to live again. Has to kind of to put their life back together.

17:52 - And part of life, especially of a believer is worship. And offering to help that individual get that part of their lives going again is a great service and helps lower the pain and the stress of the grieving process. So these are some of the things that a person can do to support the one who is grieving. Now, here are some other things that you can’t do. So we started with seven things that you can do, offer physical affection, be available, offer specific service, express your concerns, share your feelings, include the person in your life, offer spiritual help.

18:39 - All these and more, there are things that you can do. Now, here are some of the things you can’t do. Number one, you can’t grieve for them. They’re the ones that have to experience it for themselves. Don’t wish that you can do the suffering for them. It’s a noble idea when people say, “Oh, I wish I could just take that burden and put it onto myself. “ Well, that is a noble idea, but it’s not a good idea. You can’t grieve for them. Remember grieving is a process that helps the individual heal. You can’t answer the question, why? You don’t have to give them the answer to that question. Only God knows. And many times He doesn’t answer the question, why? And it’s quite all right, if the person said to you, why did this happen to her? Why did it happen to me? It’s okay to say, I don’t know why, let’s pray about that. But so many people are fixers. And so they want to be able to answer, why? And they make up these stories.

19:56 - They make up these scenarios to somehow explain the why. And many of those scenarios are more hurtful than helpful. So you can’t answer, why? Number three, you cannot speed things up. We don’t have the power to make the grieving process move faster. And if you try, you simply put more pressure and stress on the individual.

20:29 - In other words, they feel that they have to start feeling better and being happy and normal again, in order to please you, because you’re expecting this of them and you’re kind of pressuring them, “Come on, you can do it. Pick yourself up, let’s go.” And if you don’t live up to their expectations, that makes you feel bad. In other words, it adds more pressure. It adds more stress when you’re being pushed to feel better faster. And of course, you cannot fix everything. Some people are natural born fixers. When something happens to someone else, instead of helping the other person to arrive at acceptance, they try to fix everything. They try to fix broken marriages, lost dreams. Whatever it is, they’ve got an answer. They’ve got to fix it.

21:34 - But sometimes there are some things that can’t be fixed. And part of acceptance is realizing that. Acceptance isn’t just, “Hey, I accept, I accept that this is the way things are going to be.” Acceptance many times is realizing that, you know what, that marriage is not going to get fixed or that person is not coming back, or that ability that I used to have, I don’t have any more. And it doesn’t matter what I do. I’m not going to get that ability back. So a strategy for renewal, especially for Christians who experience overstress, from grieving and loss is a strategy for new hope. Much of the grieving process is designed to help us deal with the past and help us to adjust to the present. Loss, however, affects the future also.

22:41 - And much of the stress caused by loss comes from the anxiety over what will happen to us in the future. Now in the secular world, the answer to this anxiety is usually said to be within oneself, “Believe in yourself,” sports heroes, you hear them say that. You have to believe in yourself, or you have to become a new person. Become the new you and usually that means some, a new exercise regimen. Or you have to find a new person. I got to get out there. People think the way to end grieving is by dating again, to a certain extent, that might be true, but that’s not how you end grieving.

23:32 - These are fine things, but they assume that there resides within ourselves or in others, all of the resources that we need to renew ourselves after the pain of loss. As Christians, of course we have similar experiences and emotions as others do. But our perspective on these is different as is our strategy on how to find it renewal. In order to find new hope and renewal after loss, we can follow the example of the apostles after their loss of Jesus. (clears throat) Excuse me, they had a great day love and fellowship with Jesus. It was deep. It was sincere. It was abiding.

24:25 - The apostles had great hopes and expectations for themselves and their faith and their people all tied to Jesus. But then when Jesus was taken and killed, they lost not only a friend, but they lost a leader. They lost self-esteem and faith because of their own cowardice. And also they lost hope for the great kingdom that they were about to build. After His resurrection, Jesus sent them to wait for Him in Jerusalem. And while there the process of renewal was taking place in the following ways. First, they were together. Luke’s says that they were gathered with others in the other room. We read in Acts 1:12 and 13. Then they returned to Jerusalem from the mount called Olivet, which is near Jerusalem, a Sabbath day’s journey away. When they had entered the city, they went up to the upper room where they were staying. That is Peter and John and James and Andrew, Philip and Thomas Bartholomew and Matthew, James the son of Alphaeus and Simon the Zealot and Judas the son of James.

25:50 - And so they were all together in the upper room. Grieving is not necessarily a solitary action. We need a fellowship, not only to help us during the grieving process, but it is through our interaction with other Christians that our faith is strengthened and our desire to carry on is encouraged. We don’t realize how much we love and need the brethren until we grieve. Because many times it’s the brethren who carry us until we can walk by ourselves again.

26:28 - Another thing that the apostles did, they devoted themselves to prayer. We read about that in verse 14, it says these all with one mind were continually devoting themselves to prayer, along with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus and with his brothers. Prayer doesn’t change the past, but it does shape the future. Loss brings change and change brings decisions and making decisions is stressful, especially when they have to be made in the difficult circumstances of a death or a divorce or a serious illness. James tells us, “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives to all generously and without reproach and it will be given to him.

” 27:24 - Note, he says that God doesn’t give the answer, nor does He make the decision. God gives us the wisdom that we need to make the best decision in the light of His Word and the circumstances that we are in. So most of the times it isn’t about right or wrong, but what’s best. And when we’re grieving, God helps us to see more clearly our options. This clearer vision comes through long and thoughtful prayer time with our Lord. And then the apostles took action. We read in verses 15 to 26.

28:07 - It says at this time, Peter stood up in the midst of the brethren, a gathering of about 120 persons was there together and said, “Brethren, the scripture had to be fulfilled, which the Holy Spirit foretold by the mouth of David concerning Judas, who became a guide to those who arrested Jesus. For he was counted among us and received his share in this ministry. Now this man acquired a field with the price of his wickedness and falling headlong, he burst open in the middle and all his intestines gushed out, and it became known to all who were living in Jerusalem so that in their own language, that field was called Hakeldama, that is Field of Blood. For it is written in the book of Psalms, let his homestead be made desolate and let no one dwell in it and let another man take his office. Therefore, it is necessary that of the men who have accompanied us all the time that the Lord Jesus went in and out among us beginning with the baptism of John until the day that he was taken up from us.

29:15 - One of these must become a witness with us of His resurrection.” So they put forward two men, Joseph called Barsabbas, who was also called Justus and Mathias. And they prayed and said, “You Lord who know the hearts of all men show which one of these two, you have chosen to occupy this ministry and apostleship.” From which Judas turned aside to go to his own place. And they drew lots for them, and the lot fell to Matthias. And he was added to the 11 apostles.

29:51 - Often the conflict of the saints and prayer, Peter found the courage to stand and to take action. They were praying. They were trying to comfort. I said conflict, but I meant comfort. They were trying to comfort each other, but at some point they had to move forward. Now they hadn’t received the Spirit yet. I mean the power of the Spirit, they hadn’t preached the gospel yet, but they did what was necessary and at hand. They filled the vacant space left by Judas in preparation for their great mission. The longest journey always begins with the first step.

30:35 - So the new life, the new hope, the renewal, if you wish has to begin somewhere or somehow, and it’s usually with one small action, whether it is packing up all the old stuff or writing away for information or throwing away what you’re not going to use anymore. Many times, we want renewal in one instant, but usually it begins with a series of small actions. That one, that are in the direction of the new goal. We’d love to be here and then just close our eyes and open our eyes and we’re there, but that’s not how it works. The way that it works is that in our grieving process, as we’re working it through, we make some small decisions, some very small decisions, but slowly and very surely the decisions begin to formulate a direction.

31:37 - And pretty soon we see ourselves moving in a particular direction that God has given us. But he’s given it to us one small step at a time. And so with the help of the brethren and prayer for wisdom, we can usually find a step that’s small enough to handle, but in the right direction, that will take us to a new hope and a new life. So loss creates stress, but we can reduce the stress created by that loss, if we, first of all, understand the natural grieving cycle that accompanies all loss great and small. And secondly, if we use a biblical strategy for our renewal and that is fellowship with other saints.

32:30 - Prayer to God and action guided by God’s wisdom. Finally, please realize that all of us suffer loss from time to time in life. So don’t be surprised when it happens and don’t become angry when it happens and don’t become disappointed or guilty. To lose it’s part of life. And if we accept this, we will have much less stress when we experienced loss and the grief that comes with it. Okay, next, lesson that we’re going to talk about is the stress that comes from burnout.

33:16 - Remember I said, burnout is when the stress level is in the overstress area for too long. And when we’re in the overstress area for too long, that will lead us to burnout. So we’re going to be talking about that in our next lesson. So I hope that you’ll be with us for that particular session. Thank you and God bless you. .