HOW TO LOVE the AUTHENTIC SELF (The need to be liked by others)

how important is it to be liked do you work hard on your friendships going out of your way to always be there for the people sacrificing your own authentic self in the need to be liked by others at the end of the day we all want to be liked it’s human nature and the need to belong and to connect is considered a universal need and even though we should know better and not let other people’s opinions affect us you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who genuinely does not care if people like them or not even if that’s what they tell you so stay watching as today let’s talk about the need to be liked and what happens when we try too hard to please other people if you’re new to my channel i’m sue blackhurst and i bring the world of social psychology into everyday language i post videos every monday and every thursday so if you want to understand why people behave the way they do by subscribing to my channel you’ll get weekly insights into the fascinating world of human behavior 2020 has been a huge year of self-awareness we’ve all had to deal with our family our finances and our home life and life after lockdown is going to bring yet another new set of challenges so if you want to be ready to face the future with a sense of purpose and a positive mindset then there is no better time to join the other women on my overcome obstacles and build mental strength training programme you can go at your own pace and spend as little or as much time each day as i guide you through daily hints and tips and motivational affirmations you’ll get all the tools you need to prevent self- sabotaging your life and you’ll get it all the less than the cost of a haircut which we can’t do that at the moment so remember your life will not change until you make the changes so follow the link in the description box below the desire for approval appreciation and acceptance by others is a normal part of human behavior and although some people say that they couldn’t care less what other people think of them everybody wants to be liked by someone on some level as being liked means you’re feeling accepted and feeling accepted means you’re part of something it’s like being part of a tribe it doesn’t matter what the situation you may be sat in a meeting or on a night out with friends or part of a sports team you may even be tucking the children into bed at night or anxiously waiting for them to come home late at night but we will at some stage have thought to ourselves do they like me there is however a distinct difference between wanting to be liked and needing to be liked for most people not being liked is upsetting and can cause certain situations and gatherings uncomfortable but they get over it and move on because they have this inner confidence to not let it bother them or they work hard to find out the reasons why they may be pushing people away and work hard at building the connections for others however the moment there is a possibility that somebody might not see them as their new best friend it becomes their mission to win them over as they need to be liked and the idea that someone doesn’t like them is personal knowing that someone doesn’t like them can cause anxiety and in severe cases depression as it’s a feeling that gets them in the pit of their stomach as they struggle to comprehend why without having consciously done anything to upset or hurt the other person they just can’t accept it and so in a desperate attempt to gain their approval they go out of their way to gain their attention but there doesn’t need to be a reason it’s not as if you need to actually say or do anything because when you know that you’re either not liked or not welcome it’s rejection and exclusion and that makes us feel really bad so here’s the reality you can place 50 people in a room and you will find somebody that you just don’t like place 20 people in a room and yes again there will still be at least one person you don’t warm to i’d even say it would happen with just 10 people and that doesn’t make you or them a bad person it’s just the fact that we don’t all like the same person or the same things and that’s okay so here i go with my let’s explain it in another way so more than likely you’ve been to a restaurant with a group of friends and you all end up choosing something different off the menu or if you’re like me asking for a variation from what’s already on the menu my son’s favourite is pizza without cheese which is basically tomato garlic bread with toppings and i think my best restaurant request was crispy duck without the duck i remember the waitress taking the order and saying i cannot wait to tell the chef thats one crispy duck without the duck please anyway what is that point well my point is that not only do we all like different foods when we do like the same foods we like it cooked or prepared to our own liking even making toast in our house needs individual colour charts but whatever we like or dislike there is no right or wrong we only have difference based on personal taste and opinion and spending time with people is no different just because that one person’s loud and incessant talking drives one person mad somebody else will see them as the life and soul so not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay but what they do to let you know is a different set of motives and behaviours that i’ll save for another video but for now if you know somebody doesn’t like you for no significant or justifiable reason then just see yourself as cheese on somebody’s pizza and that being liked or not liked is all a matter of taste and we all have different tastes it’s easy to find out what foods we like and don’t like and generally no offences caused well i don’t think the duck was particularly offended when i said i didn’t like it but it’s a very different situation when it’s ourselves being put to the taste test and one way to think about who you are and how you are perceived by others is to think of the rorschach test you may know it as the ink block test if you’re not familiar with this test involves showing somebody an abstract ink blocked image and asking them what they see in order to learn more about their psychological state the rorschach test isn’t about getting the answer right or wrong it’s about looking at how that person views the world and what’s really interesting is how different it can be so have a look at this image as an example and tell me what do you see i’ll give you a few seconds to think what it is to you what does this image portray and what can you see within the inkblot some people see a bat a moth or a butterfly others may see a figure in the middle maybe with wings stretching out or reaching up others may see an alien face or a mask the psychoanalysis behind this test is a whole different subject and not one for now but the point is that the same image is seen very differently by different people with no one interpretation being the right one so how can this help you learn more about yourself well just as everyone sees something different in the ink blot everyone will see something different when they look at you so if you can learn to look at yourself and try to see all the possible images and perceptions that others could see you can start to work on all the areas that attract people it’s not about changing who you are or what you do it’s about learning what works and the impact and what aspects create the greatest engagement with others but just like cheese on a pizza the qualities that make you likeable to one person are the same qualities that make you unlikable to another and that means that it’s impossible to be liked by everybody research has found that when people feel that they are not liked by others they begin to develop their false selves and not their real selves your real self is developed from the roles that you play in life and these start from baby child adult parent husband wife brother sister son daughter etc etc and extends to caring loving touching feeling roles but the world that we are now all being encouraged to live in encourages us all to develop our false self where our interests are in our image wealth status and recognition i find it so sad when girls post pictures on social media and all the comments read wow you’re gorgeous stunning sexy etc when what we should really be telling these young girls is that they are an amazing person they’re funny they’re kind they’re creative it’s all about what and not who they are and we are feeding the wrong self the main difference is that the false self is very external and cares about how it’s seen by others whilst the real self is very internal and cares about the quality of relationships in other words the real self cares about the taste of the wine whilst the false self cares about the label when life isn’t going to plan this is where it’s so easy to get it wrong because we’ll go out and have a new haircut or buy new clothes or even post more images of our lives to gain those vanity metrics on how many likes we get but here’s the revelation because the more we bolster the false itself the more we tend to drive people further away in other words rather than changing the taste of the wine we stick on a fancy new label you see rather than being seen as true and genuine you work so hard with the person that you think people want you to be but in the process you compromise your authentic and real self gradually becoming less honest less natural and less you it’s not intentional or necessarily the reality of what you’re thinking or consciously trying to do but this shift in human behaviour means that the more you hustle for approval the less other people feel at ease with you they sense something counterfeit in your responses they have trouble trusting you and in extreme cases they may even begin to feel manipulated and resentful making a relationship with you exhausting people feel weighed down by approval seekers as their neediness is an energy drain and sooner or later they start to avoid you as the very thing you’re working so hard for friendships and close relationships gets you the opposite leaving you feeling confused and hurt sadly there is no quick fix for those who feel the need to be liked rather than simply the desire to be liked finding a healthy balance between creating friendships and getting approval and the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness when someone doesn’t like you takes time but the starting place is always the same as the first thing you need to do is accept that not everyone has to like everyone but you must start by liking yourself our need to be light can keep us from doing things that matter to us and trying new things in fear of what other people will think in essence the need to be like stops us from finding out who we really are and living our lives as our own true selves there will always be people who for no specific reason just don’t like you very much and the more that you keep trying to please them by agreeing to do things that you don’t want to do just to get them to like you the more you push them away so next time you have an idea whether it’s at home or at work step back and ask yourself who am i really doing this for and if you’re doing it to impress someone else by just mentally shifting your drive from the false to the real self will help you to build much better relationships don’t forget to download my free book on how to reframe self-critical thinking the link is in the description box below and if you want to take your learning deeper than my youtube videos then take a look at my 20 day overcome obstacles and build mental strength training programme it’s packed full of helpful tools and tips to get you where you want to be thank you so much for watching don’t forget to like and share the video and do leave me a comment with your thoughts oh and if you’ve not already subscribed then this is the time to do it do take care and i will see you next time .