Super Best Friends Play L.A. Noire (Part 31)

02:00 - You know? you can turn your humanity off Matt: who is the game designer. that work is like “the undertaker”, like undertaker’s aide No it was uhhh It was Suda51,actually Woolie: Oh yeah? Worked on bodies? Matt: yeah Matt: Thanks for like giving me more help than Roy ever did.

02:46 - Woolie: size of a struggle also wasn’t a term people knew back then.

02:50 - Pat: really? Matt: I guess not. Woolie: Cops knew it. But the average Joe didn’t. .

02:56 - Matt: like if you break a window and smash it– Woolie: you force somebody to do something Woolie: The cops know immediately cuz you’re kicking shit around Pat: It was your door kicked in–that’s a bad sign Woolie: Yeah, mawp mawp Matt: I feel like it wasn’t like a self-inflicted thing if someone kicked you in your own door Pat: “Sir, you say your wife was attacked by Burglars who fucked your house up?” “How come none of your locks are broken and everything’s perfectly in order and your wife got killed?” Matt: they were VERY polite burglars Woolie: Good weapon Matt: with the rolling pin.

03:32 - Pat: Well, you’re just unbridled with your optimism Pat, gasping: The ladle! Matt: It was the ladle…

03:41 - Matt: I’d love it to zoom in- like- “ladle brought at the ladle store!” Whatever soup factory that we investigated last time Woolie: back in the days before steam irons were a thing Woolie: Oh, is that a steam iron? Pat: I believe it is.

04:00 - Matt: It has a chord… Woolie: It has a chord. You’re right.

04:05 - God damn that was brutal. Pat: electricity is kind of good Matt: arrest this maid.

04:11 - PAT: Whoo I like electricity a lot. I’m just saying MATT: Very nice…

04:21 - PAT: What you got? Woolie: a date? MATT: NOTHIN’. No memories.

04:28 - Memory is not clear. PAT: Nothing in that one. What about the other ones??? MATT: They are not. They’re classy.

04:44 - PAT:OH SHIT MATT: That’s embarrasing for everyone.

04:47 - WOOLIE: The Sears catalogue, a. k. a. the 40’s “Spank Bank” Matt: So this is what I have to work with.

04:55 - Woolie: All they had MATT:Come on. Big money. Yeah! Pat: There it is MATT: ASININE PAT: D’you solve the mystery? Pat: Who has a giant photo of themselves? Matt: Someone that was in show business, I’m assuming.

05:25 - Woolie: Headshots and lighting? Pat: Can we start doing that in our homes? Oh, no, you still had clues Oh, you’re just going out to poke Rusty? I see. Woolie: Rusty needs a bucket Pat: you know what I would love to do for Rusty? Open up a beer and then pour it out on the fucking floor Matt: Yeah, and into a drain Woolie: I guess talking–no… Pat: Talking, maybe? Woolie: Groceries.

05:51 - Pat: No that’s just a ladle, Woolie. Matt: That’s that suspicious fuckin ladle Pat: Is there a room in this? Woolie: There might be. Matt: I feel like there would be.

06:00 - Matt: There should be a bedroom. Woolie: Yep yep yep way down here.

06:03 - Pat: The bedrooms where all the suspicions happened. Matt: I was doing nothing, I wasn’t masturbating in their bedroom…

06:11 - Woolie: Roy, comb the scene for money. Woolie: More likely. Matt: yeah just stuffin my hands inside the…

06:17 - sofa pockets to see… Pat: There’s more drugs at the bottom of the bed for some reason. Matt: Yes. Woolie: Barbs.

06:45 - Pat: Gotta admit I’m not familiar with Barbiturates.

06:49 - Matt: I honestly don’t know. No Matt: It’s the fuckin barbiturates! Pat: Wait, wait, you could further investigate it— Matt: Yeah, yeah there’s more.

07:02 - Matt: There’s like secrets on it. Move it all around.

07:09 - Matt: Yeah, they’re real tiny capsules Pat: huh…

07:18 - Woolie: Yep. Pat: YEAH! Matt: You beat… you beat this dead woman’s house.

07:27 - Woolie: Like we were just talking about like people on sleeping pills that are not asleep? You’re a zombie. it just turns you into a zombie Like he’s like “there’s a bunch of people in a hotel that hear the alarm go off. And you could just see all the people waking up with their sleeping pill coma like Going on, and they can barely walk down the stairs Pat: That’s why when you take sleeping pills you don’t actually get a very restful sleep.

07:55 - Pat: It’s better than absolutely nothing But if you have any ability to get regular sleep you should NOT take sleeping pills.

08:02 - Woolie: You gotta do it the Michael Jackson way. Get your “milk” Matt: Okay… Pat: I have NO idea what he’s talking about and I’m really creeped out… . Woolie: Michael Jackson died from anesthesia.

08:14 - He called it “milk”. Pat: Eugh And he’d say “give me more milk”, and that’s the last thing when he said “get me more milk”, and then he died because he had too much on aesthetic in his Butt. .

08:24 - Pat:… did you say Butt? Woolie: his body. Matt: yeaaah but you said Butt though. Pat: you said– Michael Jackson died because he had too much anesthetic in his Butt? Woolie: Ok, So here’s what happened there. I meant to say body, and then I thought of blood I did both. Matt: Oh yeah Pat: And then you said BUUUDDDTT Woolie: Yeah Pat: Huehuehue I hate that problem! Matt: was she depressed about anything? No, not at all. What about the thousands of drugs– –she takes every second? Pat: that makes her very not depressed.

Woolie: or the photos of her all over her wall. Pat (sheepish): No idea Matt: Overdose is– Woolie: That’s a bullshit fucking thing already. You ruled that right out. Matt: I’d say the prescription…

09:13 - Just straight up. Woolie: No, think it’s a Doubt. Matt: Ok.

09:32 - Matt: Sometimes you have to shake, yeah. Pat: Man, he drew an unflattering one of her. Matt: not the best Woolie (reading): signs of forced Morphine overdose…

09:44 - Overdose by suicide is a possibility… black ring two suspects Modeling… smoking jacket… gotta get your smorkes on prescription and the pills themselves Woolie: Why is everyone trying to fight you? Like we ran into like two people– Pat: CUZ FUCK THE POLICE! Woolie: Like there is some prior gain…

10:34 - Woolie: She’s dead! Telling tales doesn’t matter.

10:42 - Matt: I was gonna say if she liked the woman, she doesn’t want to get her further in trouble. Pat: all right well– Matt: Besmirch her name and all that… Pat: hey when I’m dead start besmirching my name immediately, as FAST as you can Matt: Don’t worry proper video tapes have been sent to the proper lawyers and will be released at the appropriate time– Pat: my death? Well, that’s fine– Matt: hue hue that’s fine?? Pat: Well that’s fine, man, I guess– Matt: I seem to put a lot of thought into it, even! Pat: It’s my death, I mean what am I gonna do? Complain? Woolie: Yeah, exactly Matt: the fact that you’re defending her like at every turn, maybe? Woolie: Okay.

Matt: Well, that was a disaster. Woolie: my train of thought was wrong.

11:37 - Woolie: I assume the prescription would like be like hey look she was crazy. Pat: Well she didn’t know about the prescription Then Jimmy, she didn’t know–oh, man Matt: They carted her out quick. Pat: She disappeared Woolie: all right so the maid wasn’t much help. Anyway.

12:03 - Woolie: Goodbye gang. Matt: I bet if you went back to them they’d be talking shit about you.

12:16 - Matt: Yeaah I bet you have, Roy. Pat: I bet you would have thought that’d been with Rusty.

12:23 - Matt: Yes Pat: Why the fuck was the investigation music playing in the middle of that hallway? Woolie: I can’t really I think– Matt: it was just like regular music and just sounded like investigation music? Pat: that may be the shittiest pothole job I’ve ever seen in my life.

12:48 - Pat: Did you win that medal, Woolie? Solving all the cases? Matt: Julia Randaahlll Pat: wait that’s where you’re at right now. Woolie: so that just it’s just another one of those Matt: well it’s going somewhere. He’s driving somewhere…

13:08 - Pat: Unless you actually like, missed it. Matt: Roy’s a little on point here, actually… Woolie: yeah? Matt: I think this conversation’s gonna play out and we’re not going to wind up going anywhere. Pat: Yep. Woolie: That’s correct.

13:52 - Pat: You’re going to teleport right where you’re at– by the way, he said you guys were gonna look around outside…

13:57 - So that is why the investigation music played Woolie: and the flag didn’t go away.

14:01 - Pat: yeah. Pat: You need to discover clues Woolie: yeah yeah the for the other gentleman well no the the fucking Matt: Morgue guy was like look for more shit outside Pat: yeah so this is where you were at Take the trip downstairs, and that hallways– Woolie: the investigation music– Woolie: kicks in hard. Pat: cough Pat: oh shit. Matt: Ewwww Woolie: Mooorphiiiine Matt: Dammit, yes you’re right, the autopsy! That was a– Pat: you’ve got many achievements for it Woolie: To just toss it out like that like… Matt: Nah it’s… it’s catalogued inside the baggie inside Cole Phelps’ head you know? he’ll remember it I’m sure.

15:13 - Woolie: Alright. Let’s build up our car inventory Pat: Carventory? Matt:… but that’s your car. Woolie: yeah, I’m looking for another one. Matt: Okay well there was one right there Pat: another one anothuh one Get that car.

15:32 - Matt: It’d be really good If if you’re with the other cops in the other desks, and if you stole a car, they’d be like “dude, what are you doing Phelps?” And if they withdraw you steal it and Roy would be like YEAAAH! Woolie: Good eye, Cole. Matt: But I like that, quite sharp there, Cole! Pat: We’re gonna impound this fuckin thing. Matt: When we’re done with it.

15:54 - I’m going to puke in the glove compartment. Pat: Oh man the guys at the Traffic desks are gonna freak.

16:06 - Woolie: That’s a pretty store, actually. Matt: The nerve of that big cop in the newspaper! Woolie: Are you talking to me with your back turned? Matt/Pat: Yeah? Matt: That’s what high-powered business people do.

16:18 - Or maybe they’re–I don’t know. Pat: this place seems crazy Woolie: Unless there was a second person. Pat: I don’t trust it. Matt: Right at a desk.

16:41 - Woolie: You could say that. Pat: A little bit.

16:46 - Matt: I guess I– Pat: Ruh-Rhwhoa… Matt: WHOAAA! Pat: Look at that stone face. Woolie: I’m like “judge the reaction, Cole!” Matt: Ain’t no reason to doubt that Woolie: That sounds pretty obvious. Pat: I actually have nothing against this.

17:24 - Matt: so she was TOO beautiful is what you’re saying… ? Matt: No, I’m good.

17:34 - Pat: Don’t want to. very well officer Matt: yeah… that’s what he just said. She’s not as full of life right now like she used to be, unfortunately.

18:17 - Woolie: Uh, I- I- Uh- I- Ae- gibberish Matt: NICE. My ZOOM-IN Star Platinum Vision™ is helping me see every detail Woolie: yeah Woolie: I wish I said “Lie” on that last question because she’s like “oh she’s very beautiful” and I’m like “YOU’RE LYING, SHE WAS– SHE WAS AN UGGO and you know it! Sorry. sometimes you gotta shake the tree Pat: wheeze WHAT WHY?! Matt: She wears the faces of her victim! Woolie: What tree??? Pat: man, she looks REALLY familiar Woolie: actually introduced through Henry–that seems reasonable yeah– Matt: and she’s not freaking out… Cole’s being unusually nice. Pat: Okay, that seems pretty good. Matt: Maybe this is one of those witnesses that’s like, “everything is awesome!” Pat: Randall? She engaged to miss Henderson, and she’s like– Matt: and she’s a fuckin poker face Pat: look at that poker face.

19:48 - Woolie: mmm… Matt: Is there? anything… definitively? Pat: never find out.

19:55 - Woolie: Now she’s upset XD See? I’ve upset her.

20:07 - Matt: Dammit Woolie, you missed your opportunity to scream and choke her.

20:12 - Matt: Francis Matt: Oh, right. Pat: Oh, snap.

20:35 - Pat: –and morphine! Woolie: How rehearsed.

20:39 - Pat: Oscar-Winning Woolie: What a sudden cut. Matt: yeah, that was kind of weird… usually at a moment like that roy would go “yeah, cry me a river! Let’s go, Cole!” Pat: Do you have any drugs I can steal? Matt: or money? Woolie: How about women? Matt: I can use money to buy drugs… or more women! Woolie: Darkies I can call out…

21:11 - Matt: Not sure if I wanna be, Roy… I’m not sure if I wanna be. Pat: you know what’d be nice? if Roy was the only– just a fuckin dirty-ass, Super Crook cop and all the other Vice cops, “I can’t believe you got paired with Roy, aw!” Matt: man, “Crooked Roy”, huh?” Pat: Well, they call him Crooked Roy… cuz of his team. Matt: his back is all bent out of shape Woolie: absolutely fireproof Pat: skyscraper-size tobacco ash. Matt: children come running out on flames Woolie: ⁹⁄₁₀ Doctors’ children smoke Lucky Strike™! Matt: what smokes are YOU? Patt: The like, what bar are you… with smoke? Matt: yeah, what smokes are you? Woolie: You’re Chesterfields™.

22:01 - Matt: Marlboro Red™. Matt: What? Pat: the fuck– Matt: that was the biggest waste of time! Pat: you got tricked! Matt: Non-Euclidean space!! Pat: I see the Minecraft LP in there… Matt: Right there. Pat: I’ve seen it.

22:19 -… elevator? Matt: maybe. Pat: Is that like an old button? Pat: It’s called slidey-press. Matt: Hurry, get inside before Roy can come in– damn it…

22:36 - I have no response to that, Roy… none at all Woolie: And what’s that– that cigarette brand that like all supposedly black people smoke? Pat: Menthols? Woolie: –that’s the one! Missed opportunity to drop that one.

22:51 - Pat: It’s not so much a brand as it is a type… Matt: yeah. Woolie: hmm.

22:58 - Pat: why DO black people love menthol so much? Matt: I dunno. Woolie: I think the 40’s our best bet of finding the– Matt: We should ask a black person.

23:04 - Pat: Woolie, do you know any black people we can ask? Matt: HUEHUEHUE I hope we get there Woolie:… . . go fuck yourself, how about that? Matt: Woolie, you have to admit that was super good! Pat: Started this with apparently that— –that’s the cigarettes that black people like or whatever. You started it there you just brought it back around.

23:28 - Woolie: Also, don’t know a lot of smokers. Matt: yeah. Pat: Yeah, it’s not very popular nowadays.

23:38 - Matt: WHOAAAA Push this man! Push this man to death! Woolie: how about you fuck off, huh? oh– —w you trying to walk over here? Pat: tune them up– Woolie: tryin’ to walk over there? Matt:–walk away from the clan of Kimari– Pat: Tune ‘em up!! Woolie: Hm? HM? HM? Motherfucker.

23:54 - How ‘bout that? How ‘bout you sniff my coat? Matt: That’s all you can do, unfortunately. Pat: Pull out your gun! Matt: Cannot yet Woolie: That button doesn’t work Matt: Shoot that doctor.

24:19 - Pat: you sound nervous as shit. Matt: Guess what every question will go against.

24:28 - Woolie: What is your name? That conflicts with my doctor-client privilege.

24:33 - Matt: yeah check the prescription. Woolie: VO-RAH-CI-TEH!! Matt: no, but if we’re investigating someone’s fuckin death maybe we toss their apartment.

24:54 - Matt: aw shit! Woolie: Now explain why you lied! Matt: Exactly! You can arrest him NOW.

25:07 - obstruction of justice Matt: What about— Woolie: you’re getting them hopped up on FUCKIN METH! Matt: on goofballs! Woolie: Like, look at him though right? He’s very muted. It’s just the eyes. Pat: the eyebrows occasionally Woolie: Interesting.

25:47 - Pat: that’s a completely wrong train of thought, Cole.

25:53 - Yeah this… . is total nonsense. Matt: no, I don’t understand that. Woolie: “aww now I’m upset, goddamnit!” Matt: “I’m that super annoyed at this mega cop from the newspapers!” Woolie: the original question was You wrote a prescription once to control her weight You know, let’s doubt that. Pat: Doubt that shit.

26:20 - Matt: Don’t yell at me, Mecha-Deca. Thank you for your help.

26:35 - I feel like you could have– Pat: use his phone– Matt: yelled a him more– Woolie: What size is your coat? Matt: Can I have the phonebook for Hokkaido, Japan, please? “Sure”. May I use your phone? “Is it a local call?” Yes it is.

26:53 - Pat: Why are you yelling into that? You’re in a completely quiet room…

26:57 - Woolie: Well, I’m using a doctor’s phone so that a man with sciatica– –can have his time wasted. Matt: Rest in Pain! Pat: Hey, Carruthers has got news for you! Sure thing mal. We’ll be right over Matt: I love that Episode of X-Files where they tell the story in different ways and Scully’s eating like, 16 boxes of cheese pizza while she’s like emptying out a guy’s stomach It’s fuckin the best [Matt loses his shit] [Everybody loses their shit] Matt: HOW YOU LIKE THAT? Pat: HALLO Woolie: Mothafuckah! Matt: Aw, I bet you don’t like the pain causing you! Woolie: Just letting you KNOW.

Pat: In your ass parts! Woolie: JUST LETTING YOU KNOW Pat: Aw man.

27:45 - Matt: that was so intense– it’s the most intense thing I’ve seen in like… today.

27:50 - Woolie: Sir? Matt (pained): Yes, can I help you? I’m very uncomfortable right now this megacop is staring into my soul. Woolie: I wish I would have said a line to Roy while I was staring at that guy, just like, “alright Roy” Matt: Ready to roll out, Roy? You know it’s weird because my time was wasted. When my time is wasted I start to lose FOCUS.

28:20 - Matt: THANKS Roy… . that actually helps a bit, actually. Never mind. Pat: Thank you, Roy. Matt: Thank you for your keen investigative insight.

28:35 - Woolie: Oh boy, now it’s the fun part -. - Time to choose another car Matt: They’re going to say “try to carefully cross the road and avoid getting hit by a car, seen out of the camera shot. ” Woolie: O_O is that a fuckin’ hearse? Matt: It’s– no…

28:51 - Pat: Oh that– that is the roomiest backseat I’ve ever– Woolie: That’s really roomy. Cadillac Series 75 limousine.

29:00 - Matt: Limousine, yeah!!! Pat: Well, a lot of you have got a call from Carruthers that was like, “I got some weird shit over here, Phelps”! Matt: she had MOTHS in her mouth! MOTHS! COLE! Matt: Are you driving? Ah– never mind. Pat: He is. Woolie: What? No, this is the computer.

29:31 - Matt: HUEHUEHUEHUEHUE Pat: Oh, oh, okay.

29:36 - Woolie: It’s weird! there’s a bug! Matt: Yeah I know it’s waiting. Waiting for another conversation– Woolie: Aw, guys, look! We found another bug! EHEHEHEH Matt: It’s great.

29:47 - That’s like when we were playing Final Slam 2 and you reveal to the world that you were playing the A. I. the entire time. .

29:53 - Woolie: Aw, man. What a crazy bug Matt: Aw, that’s crazy. They should patch this– Pat: Aww, missed the turn! What a horrible bug! Woolie: Was that- was THAT the turn? I thought it was here– Matt: I don’t know! Ask the A. I. ! Pat: Why would YOU think it was there? Matt: That’s crazy… this guy’s gone crazy, he’s getting a little nutso, he’s been playing this game too long. Woolie: fuck you.

30:16 - You hit the Lie button on me and I panicked.

30:19 - Pat: You’re going to keep that Lie button held down– Matt: more– Woolie: first thing’s first. .