Stress from Conflict | Mike Mazzalongo | BibleTalk.tv

• Okay, so here we are, the Stress Busters course, we’re on lesson number five, title of this lesson is stress from conflict, stress from conflict. And I suppose one of the most stressful experiences certainly in my life is the time when I’m in conflict with someone else. Someone, you know, does or says something to hurt me, or hurt my feelings, or worse still harm my family, or perhaps someone at work needs to be talked to, you know, something’s going wrong and you have to talk to a certain person to correct things and that’s a very stressful time when you have to be put into that position. I remember at Oklahoma Christian when I served there as a dean of students, my entire job dealt with conflict because I had to continually deal with students, students that had misbehaved and I had to deal with their angry parents because their kids were in trouble. So it caused a lot of conflict and that conflict caused a lot of stress in me, and not only in me, but the people that worked in the office, it was a very stressful type of job.

01:27 - Some of the things that you go through when you are in conflict, if you notice there’s some common things that happen no matter who you are. When you’re in conflict with someone else you ever noticed you kind of talk to yourself a lot? You rehearse what it is that you’re going to say and do, you know, if well, if he says this, then I’m going to say that, or if she brings up this argument, well, I’m going to make sure that I’m going to, you know, you kind of have this self-talk going on all the time. Or you feel unbalanced, you’re okay and then you think of the person or the situation then you get angry all over again or stress all over again. Headaches, sleeplessness, irritability, loss of concentration, the idea being, you know, all you can think of is the conflict, it seems to take over everything else. You think of the kind of the dumb thing that you may have said or you may have done while you were in conflict with the person and now you’re wondering, you know, how do I reduce the conflict? How do I fix this? I think that’s the most often repeated sentence, you know, how do I fix this? And not knowing how to fix the conflict creates stress.

02:51 - So whatever your feelings while you are going through conflict, one thing is for sure conflict produces stress and a lot of it. Now in this lesson I’d like to talk about the stress caused by conflict, but in the context of the conflict that we experience in the church. Hopefully some of the things that we learn from this example can be applied to other conflict situations, but you know, the thought that as Christians we never have conflict, well, you know, if you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, if you’ve been a member of a congregation for any amount of time you know that there is conflict. There’s always a conflict for one reason or another taking place in the church. So let’s talk about that. So open your Bibles to 1 Corinthians 3, and we’ll take a look at how some of the conflicts in the church at that time were resolved.

03:57 - Since becoming a Christian I would say that most of the conflict situations that I’ve experienced have been with members of the church and not necessarily with non-Christians. And this is natural since, you know, we live in a closely knit community and we try to keep our contact level with our brothers and sisters high. You know, you take 500 people in one congregation, all of them are sinners, all of them have faults, and you know, you encourage everyone to live closely together in a close knit relationship, there’s bound to be troubled, there’s bound to be a conflict. And so conflicts in the church of course are very stressful because many times you can’t just run away. You know, you have a conflict with someone on the subway for example, for whatever reason they bump into you and hey, what’s going on? And there’s a little bit of stress there, you get off at your stop, you’ll never see that person again.

04:59 - Or if you’re having conflict with the guy at Walmart, you know, in the grocery section for whatever reason, well, you know, you don’t have to shop there if you don’t want to, you know, you can get away from the source of the conflict, you can get away from the person. But in the church it’s not so easy, you can’t just run away from the church you have to live with that person, you have to interact with that person, you have to worship with that person and see them quite often. In addition to this, there’s great pressure on us as Christians to resolve conflict. I mean, it’s part of our religion that we be at peace with one another. In the world, you know, if we’re in conflict with someone, one of the solutions is, I’ll never talk to that person again therefore the conflict is resolved.

05:58 - You know, I will just cut that person out of my life, but in the church that’s not how we operate, you know, we don’t cut people out of our lives because we may be in conflict with them. As Christians we want to be at peace with everyone and this of course creates more stress because we feel obligated to resolve a conflict. So lots of stress because confrontation about conflict causes more stress many times than the conflict itself. All right, so in 1 Corinthians 3, Paul the apostle reviews a series of conflicts in the Corinthian church, and he offers Christian guidelines in how to deal with these conflicts. Now, the Corinthians just a little bit of background here.

06:54 - The Corinthians were Greeks, they were Gentile converts to Christianity, and they did not have the Jewish background to stabilize the church. The Jews had a background in moral living, you know, they had been trained in moral living, so they had, you know, they had some stability in this area of life whereas the Gentiles did not. And so it was easy for these two groups, you know, to kind of bump up against each other and have conflict because of their very different backgrounds. So we begin reading the first couple of verses in chapter three, Paul says, “And I, brethren could not speak to you as to spiritual men, “but as two men of flesh, as to infants in Christ. “I gave you milk to drink, not solid food, “for you were not yet able to receive it.

07:51 - “Indeed even now you’re not yet able “for you are still fleshly. “For since there is jealousy and strife among you, “are you not fleshly, “and are you not walking like mere men? “For when one says, “‘I am of Paul,’ “and another, “‘I am of Apollos,’ “are you not mere men?” And so here Paul summarizes the problem at the outset. There is conflict in the church because of their worldliness, their worldly sinful attitude. People are creating divisions and they’re taking sides and they’re appointing, you know, leaders for their causes. We see that in the church, I call it, you know, rounding up a posse.

08:36 - Somebody has an issue, somebody has a problem, they’re in conflict with someone else, you know, in the church, and so you round up a posse, you know, you round up a group of people that will agree with you and be on your side and support you against this other person and their opinion and whatever they want to do. So this is what was taking place in the church at Corinth. And so even though they had the Spirit because they were Christians, they were acting like people who did not have the Spirit. Paul says they were acting like mere men, and when he says that he means men devoid of the Spirit. He expected people without the Spirit of God in them to act in ways where they were in conflict with each other and jealous of each other and so on and so forth, but he didn’t expect that from people who had the Spirit of God dwelling in them.

09:36 - And he tells them, you’re acting like mere men. And so the Corinthians they thought they were very spiritual because they had gifts, but their conflict here shows that they were immature. And so we continue reading in verse five. He says, “What then is Apollos? “And what is Paul? “Servants through whom you believed “even as the Lord gave opportunity to each one. “I planted, Apollos watered, “but God was causing the growth. “So then neither the one who plants “nor the one who waters is anything, “but God who causes the growth.

10:17 - “Now he who plants and he who waters are one, “but each will receive his own reward “according to his own labor. “For we are God’s fellow workers, “you are God’s field, God’s building.” So here Paul refers to the leaders that they claim to follow in their self-inflicted division and he shows that they are all servants of the same master except they’re just doing different tasks, but they’re doing different tasks to reach the very same goal, the same purpose. In verses 10 to 15, he goes on to say, “According to the grace of God which was given to me, “like a wise master builder laid a foundation, “and another is building on it. “But each man must be careful how he builds on it “for no man can lay a foundation “other than the one which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.

11:13 - “Now if any man builds on the foundation “with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, “each man’s work will become evident, “for the day will show it “because it is to be revealed with fire, “and the fire itself will test the quality “of each man’s work. “If any man’s work which he is built on it remains, “he will receive a reward. “If any man’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss, “but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.” So here, Paul describes the church as a structure and those like Apollos and himself as workers whose task it is to build the church. There is no competition here merely cooperation to achieve the same objective each with their own skill.

12:05 - Now the work will be tested that’s what he says here, that’s the idea of fire. This is a reference to the Corinthians not to the workers. Paul and the Apollos they’ve built on the right foundation, which is Christ. So they are without reproach, but the building itself, the Corinthians will be tested to see if it will stand. This is a warning concerning their division and their conflict.

12:33 - In other words, they’re going to burn down the structure with this type of conflict if they continue in it. And Paul is saying, he and Apollos they, you know, they laid a proper foundation for this building, Jesus Christ, and then they built this building which is, you know, which are these people, the individuals in the church, but they’re in the process of tearing it down if they continue in their division. So he goes on in verses 16 and says, “Do you not know that you are a temple of God “and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? “If any man destroys the temple of God, “God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, “and that is what you are.” And so an even more direct warning to those who are causing problems. The structure that he’s talking about is not just any old structure, but it is a holy temple of God and to destroy it will be punishable by God.

13:39 - Actually to destroy it is to destroy self. And so then he continues in verse 18. “Let no man deceive himself. “If any man among you thinks “that he is wise in this age, he must become foolish, “so that he may become wise. “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness before God. “For it is written, “‘He is the one who catches the wise in their craftiness.’ “And again, “‘The Lord knows the reasonings of the wise, “‘that they are useless.’ “So then let no one boast in men.

14:12 - “For all things belong to you, “whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas “or the world or life or death “or things present or things to come, “all things belong to you, “and you belong to Christ, and Christ belongs to God.” And so the problem in Corinth was that they had an improper view of wisdom. They saw wisdom as worldly wisdom or philosophy if you wish, and their style was to debate the value of one philosophy over another. That’s what the Gentiles did, they had even roving philosophers that went from town to town and argued their philosophy with other philosophers and teachers and they would be paid for this type of activities. And so the Gentiles, you know, came into the church and they brought this mindset with them.

15:13 - They were looking at the gospel for example, as just another philosophy or another system of wisdom, and they exalted one teacher against another teacher to form kind of philosophical parties in order to debate. They were familiar with this type of activity, but this type of activity was destructive in the church. And so Paul tells them that this not only created conflict and the symptoms of stress that accompanied conflict, but it also demonstrated their immaturity as Christians and the danger of them destroying what had been legitimately built by himself and others, and which belong to all of them equally in Christ. You see, there was no need for conflict, there was no need for competition in the church because everyone owned equally their part of the kingdom. No one had to be first in order to have a position or to have a place, everyone owns the kingdom equally, there is a place for everyone.

16:24 - And so when we talk about conflict resolution in the church, our conflicts with people in the church may not be philosophically based, you know, and they rarely are. Maybe somebody forgot to return a book that they borrowed, or a brothers child says something to hurt your child, or perhaps there’s a conflict over how things need to be done, or how we feel we ought to be treated, or what we believe about a certain issue it’s not the same as what another person believes about a certain issue. But whatever the conflict, this passage does give us several guidelines on how to go about resolving the conflict and thus reducing the stress. Remember, the conflict continues to create stress until it is resolved. Even if we don’t think about it, it continues to produce stressful feelings until it is settled one way or another.

17:33 - So four rules in order to help us resolve conflict in the church, especially in the church. Rule number one, look inwards, look in. You know, in marriage counseling, the hardest problem in resolving conflict in the couple is to get people to see what it is that they are doing that contributes to the problem. They see the other person’s faults, but they rarely see their own. You know, a lot of times that happens, you know, one of the partner says, you know, we need counseling and you know, maybe it’s the woman, we need counseling. She finally talks her husband into counseling you know, she drags that old boy into the counseling office you know, and she begins to enumerate all of the things that he’s doing that’s creating conflict, and the sooner or later the counselor will eventually begin examining her conduct.

18:36 - And what happens is, that person is surprised that they have to acknowledge the things that they may be contributing, that is, that are creating conflict in the marriage. You know, they think, well, if I can just get my partner to see the counselor, well, then we’re going to figure out all the things that he or she is doing to cause problems and everything will be resolved. But of course, we know that the counseling is only successful when both partners acknowledge the things that they’re contributing to create the problem. So the first step in resolving a conflict is to try to see what we are doing that causes problems. For the Corinthians of course it was their worldliness and their immaturity in Christ that made them compare and use the gospel like they used worldly philosophy in the past. That was what was causing the division.

19:44 - A lot of times, you know, we don’t look inward at the beginning before we try to resolve issues, and even when we do, we rarely see what the problem is. You know, a good way to look in is by asking someone else to advise us and tell us what it is that we’re doing that may be contributing to the conflict. This is usually an eye-opener and it leads us to a clear vision of step number two, and step number two is to look out. So first look inwards, look in, and then look out. Looking out means trying to assess the real situation that is causing the trouble.

20:30 - Usually when we look in first we are better able to look out and see more clearly the true situation at hand. You know, most conflicts arise from either lack of communication, confusion over the facts, what the facts are, gossip or a mixture of these. Now the Corinthians were confused about what the gospel was really about and what the true role of the apostles and the ministers were and this led to conflict. Usually when we see ourselves and we get a, you know, a reality check on the true facts of the situation, the conflict is diffused and much stress caused by it is eventually lowered. So look in, look out, thirdly, look up, look up.

21:27 - In the world, diffusing the situation is enough, but in the church we constantly and consciously strive to go beyond just, you know, not being mad at each other. If we’re just not mad at each other, good enough. In the church, we’re working on building each other up in love and that goes a little further than just not being mad at each other. It requires a little bit more than just not being mad at each other when what we’re trying to do is build each other up in love. So as Christians we not only look in and look out, we also look upwards.

22:08 - Paul reminded the Corinthians that they were a holy temple and their conflict was a threat to a godly thing. Our motivation to resolve conflict, to avoid division is motivated not only by the desire to avoid the stress that comes with it, but also by the realization that we are Christians and that as Christians we’re to love one another as a witness of our faith. And when we fail at doing that, we fail in the witnessing to the world that we’re disciples of Christ. What did Jesus say? He said, “This is how all men will know “that you’re my disciples “in the way that you love one another.” Not in the way that you memorize Scripture or in the good deeds you do in all this and that, which is true, but primarily they’ll know we’re His disciples in the way that we treat one another.

23:07 - The idea being, if we can’t, you know, as common disciples of Jesus, if we can’t love each other we have no claim to be able to teach anybody anything about the love of God. And so our motivation to resolve conflict, to avoid division is motivated not only by the desire to avoid the stress that comes with it, but also by the realization that we are Christians and that as Christians we’re to love one another as a witness of our faith. Every time you’re in conflict with a brother or a sister, look up and ask God if He is on your side, if He is blessing your conduct, if He will declare you the winner at judgment. Ask God, am I doing the right being in conflict, fighting this fight, am I doing the right? Are you on my side? Are you blessing what I’m doing? You need to ask yourself that question when you’re in a conflict situation. And so look in, look out, look up, number four, look around, look around.

24:24 - When we see the many physical blessings that we have, and when we recognize the spiritual blessings that we all equally share that no one can take away from us, we realize that conflict is the devil’s way of trying to rob us of our peace and our joy. It’s not God, it’s not Jesus who is trying to take away our peace and joy. God never tries to do that, it’s Satan who tries to take away our peace and our joy and what better tool to use than conflict, division, stress? You know, Paul encouraged the Corinthians to recognize that they already possessed what was valuable in Christ, there was no need to argue. Look around and see those who are suffering without the hope of Christ, where would you rather be, would you rather be in this congregation managing the small conflicts that we have over small matters, or would you rather be living in China where a public declaration of your faith could get you arrested and put into jail? Or would you rather be in Iraq where publicly acknowledging that you’re a Christian or trying to meet in order to take the communion could get you killed? You know, where would you rather be? Look around and see those who are suffering without the hope of Christ and you’ll recognize that our reasons for conflict are usually very small, they’re petty, they’re worldly, they’re selfish they’re full of pride. We need to look around and see how our conflicts hurt others and destroy ourselves and our blessings.

26:16 - We need to run to Jesus for forgiveness and help to resolve the conflicts that we are in. You know, the Lord does not support conflict. We may be in conflict with the world because of our faith, that’s a legitimate conflict, but we shouldn’t be in conflict with one another over petty matters of how to do things, or who said what, you know, this is the devil’s work, this is not the Lord’s work. So let’s summarize some of the things that we have said so far. First, conflict causes stress especially in the church because as I say, you can’t run away from it and we feel duty bound to resolve it.

27:06 - So, you know, the need to resolve conflict also creates stress. Number two, conflict continues to create stress until it is resolved. Number three, the causes of conflict are usually misunderstanding, miscommunication, and my personal favorite gossip, gossip does more to fan the flames of discord in the church than any other thing. If we could just, you know, if I could eliminate one thing, I’d eliminate gossip. If I had the power to just say, okay, stop gossip, that would at the same time stop so many other problems, and also it would stop the aggravation of so many other problems, the sin of gossip.

28:03 - And then number four, remember the four rules to help resolve conflict. Rule number one, look in, try to tell yourself the trouble with us is me, or ask yourself, what is it that I am contributing to this conflict here? Perhaps just stubbornness, perhaps a poor attitude, perhaps the refusal to listen. But what is it? There’s a conflict between myself and the church, or myself and this brother or sister or this group, what is it that I’m doing that causes or may be contributing to the conflict? Ask yourself that question number one, and number two, look out, try to see both sides of the issue if you can, not always easy, but try. You know, usually the person you’re in conflict with when that person recognizes that you’re actually making an effort to see their side of it, just that in itself lowers the stress, lowers, you know, the flames of anger, lowers, you know, the conflict level, just the fact that the other person sincerely believes that you’re making an effort to try to understand. So look in, look out, remember number three, look up.

29:42 - It’s not just who you are, it’s who’s you are. We are the children of God, we are the sons and daughters of the living God, we are the brothers and sisters of Christ, is the way that we are acting commensurate with who we are? Is that the way we’re supposed to act? We should ask ourselves that question, we should ask God that question. Am I acting properly Lord? Is what I’m doing the right thing in this situation? And then number four, look around. Remember, you already have it all, you already have what God has given to His children, salvation and hope, the Spirit of God, the word of God, we already have it all. Conflict in the church does nothing except to try to destroy what we have been freely given by God.

30:48 - Try to recognize the good stuff that we have and sometimes we may have to swallow our pride simply to maintain peace, simply to maintain harmony and unity. And I think that if we have to make a difficult effort in order to achieve this type with peace and unity, I think that’s pleasing in God’s sight, that’s something that God will bless. You know, it’s not about winning, it’s not about winning the war, it’s about winning the peace that’s what’s important. All right, so that’s our lesson for today about stress that comes from conflict. We do have some bonus material should have mentioned that at the beginning, I’m sorry.

31:36 - We do have, of course, study sheets, the lesson notes for the class that you can use while we go through the material, but for this lesson, there’s also a small group discussion sheet that you can use if you want to continue discussing this issue, you know, stress from conflict. If you want to have a small group discussion, I’ve got a discussion sheet with questions and so on and so forth that you can use, and there’s a second sheet, 10 rules for resolving disputes, 10 rules for resolving disputes that I think can be very handy. Remember if you’re one of the ones that are watching later on you’re watching on YouTube or some other platform, remember you have to go to the Bibletalk.tv website in order to download this bonus material. Okay, so that’s our lesson for this time, next time we will talk about the stress created by loss, by loss, loss of a loved one so on and so forth, I’d be talking about that.

32:44 - So I hope that you’ll be with us for that particular lesson, and we’ll see you then, thank you. Bye-bye. .