Hashing It Out With My Sister

Jun 6, 2021 16:31 · 8341 words · 40 minute read

i remember him calling you names and i remember like standing in front of you a four foot six 75 pound one wet little child being like you don’t talk to her that way you don’t get to talk to her that way stand down and so how could that person not want to protect you in that moment or not feel like it was my job to protect you in that moment what’s up lovers and friends i have some incredible really frightening exciting big massive life-changing on my part news that i want to share with you my sister lauren morrison is leaving canada moving to los angeles with her entire family and she is going to be working for shared entertainment full time so for those of you who are familiar with my story and my family my sister is a full-time corporate head honcho she’s got two kids she is married to an incredible man who’s also a full-time corporate head honcho so this is one of those moves that i just never really saw happening but they actually came to los angeles when ryu was born and spent a month here just to get to know ryu and be you know together and that was our first time really getting to coexist as families and it was so powerful that we started to really ask the question how do we make this a reality and asking that question led her husband chris to realize that his job could transfer him to california and asking that question of lauren really allowed us to realize that we really do belong together as more than just sisters but as business partners and that’s what we’re really trying to facilitate and that’s a lot and i acknowledge that it’s a lot and so i thought why not get some help to really make sure that this transition is as powerful and as meaningful to both of us as we both really want it to be this video is sponsored by better help better help is an incredible service that allows you to get a licensed therapist at your disposal because you don’t have to go at life alone and if there is something that’s been challenging you or preventing you from achieving ultimate happiness or if you are happy and just want to process that happiness there are people out there who can help and who can facilitate more peace and ease of mind for you it’s important to know that better help is not a crisis line or a self-help service it is professional counseling done securely online betterhelp has over 14 000 counselors that are available worldwide which means access to mental health care which may not be locally available in many areas that means you can log into your account anytime and send a message to your counselor and financial aid is available a better happier healthier more connected version of you is possible and it is possible especially when you are brave enough to ask for help and if you consider better help as a service to get that help from i want to please encourage you to utilize my promo code with them which is betterhelp.

com booty that’s b e t t e r h e l p dot com slash b o o d y because that code is gonna allow you to get ten percent off your first month of counseling with better help and so i asked keiondra jackson who is a licensed marriage and family therapist you might recall her from a better help video that i did actually a couple of years ago kiandra is a therapist that i trust and i asked her to put together a list of questions that would help me and lauren have essentially a pre-marital call before we dive into our new relationship together one of the things that i kind of carry with me is this element of always being like the other sister right because people would always because you were in track because you were so well accomplished athletically um you know and then when after that after your athletic uh phase kind of passed by then it was um you know you were the one on tv you were the one who was um you know writing articles like there was always something to talk about with shan right there was always something to talk about there was always something to praise you on and it it always felt like i was doing so much on my own but it was never as newsworthy so i never really got to feel like people who i loved really got to see me in my strength in my element because those are the things that happened not necessarily on a stage it didn’t happen on a stage it didn’t happen in front of a crowd it was happening in the board rooms one of my best friends when he found out that i was moving he said you’re so accomplished you have you have everything here you’re just going to go to la and be shan’s sister and that was like oh my god i know who said he’s so toxic and really like yeah but that’s but that’s a real that’s a real thought right that’s a real thought that’s a real concern and that’s something that i’ve had to really sort of really work through in my mind as well it’s because even when i used to come out to la before i used to feel so uncomfortable and you remember like earlier like when i used to come out to la i used to feel so uncomfortable feeling like i wasn’t in my world i was just in your world and in your world i didn’t have i didn’t have a sense of i was just a follower in your world i wasn’t a leader in your world and that kind of made me always feel very uncomfortable like i i couldn’t really be who i wanted to be i couldn’t bring my authentic self we would get dressed for things and you would put on this like dominatrix clothing and i’d be like i don’t know i just want to wear jeans like i’m i don’t know how i fit here um and that was kind of uh so it just further recessed me into the shadows but him saying that to me was so important because for the first time in a very long time i could actually hear that and be like no i’m not i’m not just going to be shan’s sister like i’m stepping into my what coming to la and working with you and jared is me stepping into my power it’s me stepping into my my true element and bringing i i feel like i’m bringing myself and i don’t feel like i’m coming in as your shadow i feel like i’m coming in as your light but a little bit more about keiondre before we dive into the question hello everybody my name is kiandra jackson i am a licensed marriage and family therapist here in the state of california i’m also known as america’s number one relationship therapist i have been featured on so many different amazing platforms like the emmy award-winning tv show the doctors and i’ve been named by the huffington post as one of the top 10 black female therapists you should know as you watch this video i want you to envision a person that you would like to have this kind of conversation with and if you feel comfortable in the comment section please answer one of the questions that kiandra has put forth for us what is your best memory with me then we’ll go to worst times when we were just like really creative together um so whether it was like playing playing with barbies developing story lines around around all these barbies lives or creating like award shows or wherever you used to we used to remember we used to create all those um like tv shows um like play it again sports and we like gather all the cousins up and we put on these plays and i i think like the creative element of our relationship always brings me really fond memories when i think back on on that time you remember you know what’s crazy i actually did not think of this at all um like in relation to us starting this work relationship together it never dawned on me that like wow we actually did this when we were kids like we did yeah have tv shows and award shows yeah and talent shows and creative businesses and bake sales and so that’s really good apparently i’m the only one who did some soul searching on this question no i mean i didn’t that’s just that in particular and you know what too when i was trying to think about what my fondest memory was i felt guilt because i’m like am i thinking of something that was good for me or am i thinking of something that was also good for lauren like a fond memory of mine is us doing that um event for my book launch in toronto together and the two of us being on stage that picture is very fond of me but i’m like is that being very self-centered that my fond memory of my sister is like her facilitating and supporting my dreams and goals which i think is a big insecurity that i have with us working together in general of like am i positioning lauren like my favorite times with lauren is when she’s helping me as we move through the various stages of what we’ve experienced as sisters and as best friends um i think a lot of what you said will make sense to a lot of people so i want to use that as a way to kind of go into our worst memories of each other and my fear and even as you’re coming down you know that i’m like constantly afraid that like you’re not really going to show up because when i think about my worst memory this may not be something you even recall at all but we went to someone’s party i might have been 13 you might have been 15 at the time i don’t remember exact ages but it was someone’s party and i remember the entire time you were just like pulling atlanta and like dancing with atlanta and i would try to like get involved with you and like make a connection in a moment with you and you would like turn away from me and so it it felt like i was constantly trying to make it like it’s me and my sister’s world like we’re best friends or really affirm this narrative that it’s you and me and you would always like turn your shoulder and be like actually it’s not and i felt that at your wedding um i felt that a couple years ago when i came back from la uh to toronto to visit i remember i had that tearful conversation here at the airport like you didn’t make any time for me like you just didn’t care at all um and it always felt to me like i was chasing this relationship with you that you were trying to run away from and i remember growing up being obsessed with the idea of like wishing that i had a twin like wishing i had somebody who was just my person and being so heartbroken that you never wanted to be that person um and you were never excited about that opportunity i think as i’ve gotten older in my relationship with jared i’ve actually realized that i’m a lot more needy than i give myself credit for like i am not this securely attached completely confident independent like self-contained person i i do have a lot of neediness that i’ve put onto a lot of relationships and i think that you’re probably a person who’s experienced that quite a bit yeah um kind of emotional to talk about now that you’re you’re saying it that way um there was i’ll i’ll touch on this first there was such a need for me to create an identity that was away from you because i felt like the whole family was always wrapped up in what you were doing and like all of our weekends all of our trips all of the friends we hung out with they were all like track like especially during your track and field time it was all like we spent every weekend at the track watching shan um everyone who came over were people that you knew from the track and you know i they in order to involve me i was taking up track which i hated you know um so i think that there just became this need for me to pull away completely because i i i resented i there’s no other there’s no better way to put it like i resented i resented i resented your happy for your success but i resented it you know especially because it it didn’t make me feel good it didn’t make me feel good to be the other it didn’t make me feel good to just spend my weekends just watching you all the time it didn’t make me feel good that the only thing we ever talked about was what was going on in your world uh so there was this need for me to kind of pull away and i think that there were just so many moments of that um because even like when you started um you know your social media journey and you started you know gaining accolades in that field i was the one who went to university for radio and television arts and then i’m watching you do all the things that i thought i would be doing you know and then i’m not doing those things and i’m a mom and i’m watching your posts and your posts everything that you post is so gorgeous and so flawless and i’m unhappy with my body i’m i’m unhappy with the you know questioning like how did i get here you know like how did i so all that to say is that i think that a lot of that contributed to why i started pulling away from you i remember building up that narrative like shan doesn’t need me shan doesn’t really require me to make time for her she’s very happy hanging out with other people shan doesn’t require me to spend this time with her because she doesn’t need that like she’s she’s she’s good on her own and not really registering i took for granted i took for granted how you felt about me how you felt about our relationship um and i built up this narrative that’s like okay we’re just we’re just on two different paths you know and i think i think that kind of that’s fair sorry to interrupt you but while i think that’s fair i just feel like i was not quiet about it so it would had to have been like despite what i was saying to you you decided that i didn’t actually want what i was communicating maybe but i think that the uh and i’ll tell you why that that last conversation that you and i had where that fearful conversation that you um that you had with me a few years back that you referenced that was and maybe maybe it’s just maybe i just wasn’t hearing it before maybe it just wasn’t portrayed to me in that way before maybe i was just at a different place but for me that was a time when it shifted where it was like something in me needs to change because how i’m making this person who i love with all my heart and soul feel it’s not representative of how i actually feel but the the hurt that you had and the way that you communicated it caught me off guard but it it changed something inside of me where i was like this isn’t it this isn’t what i want this isn’t the relationship that i want with my sister and i hate the fact that i’ve hurt her so deeply because of things that i built up in my own head because of the ways that i’ve taken her for granted so there’s that what thanks for saying i think um i think even when you just said that thing in the beginning of what we used to do as kids that just unlocked such an aha in me because maybe as a coping mechanism or maybe just the way that our lives became different i actually for a long time have been really pushing the narrative that me and my sister are really different people like i often tell people the joke of oh my mom and my dad don’t bother me because they have my sister who fulfilled all of the goals like i’m the one who when we go to family barbecues whatever they’re like so you’re living out of a suitcase yeah with bed bugs like and then they could point to my sister who was like yeah she’s 25 years old and by 27 you were married you had a house you had a kid you had a full-time job at a massive corporation you were winning awards like so if i was the one that mom and dad had to be like you know she’s trying it’s um because as much as i’ve had success i’ve had so much failure and so much risk that didn’t pay off for years and years so i would overhear mom and dad a lot and i i moved out of the house when i was 28.

you moved out when you were 20. right so yeah we both kind of went back and forth different times but i was definitely the one who just took longer to get off the ground so i just remember listening to mom and dad you know try to explain to people on the phone like how i was doing and it would always be like you know she’s she’s doing her thing she gets up every morning brushes her teeth like and with you it would be like oh yeah lauren’s got a full-time job their voice would be different like yeah lauren her kids are incredible she’s doing amazing her kids are reading at age three years old like there was just this sureness and all of the things that you want a person to accomplish like to be a full person you were done by age 27.

i always made that joke with you that like you’re finished like nobody can come to you and be like so when are you gonna you know like now it’s like even for me that same friend that you reference like who obviously has some real issues to work through because there’s such a hater it’s immense i mean mind you to your point maybe it’s positive because they say the thing that you don’t want to say like if he’s the same one who said to somebody else like when is she gonna stop messing around and like trying to be something that she can’t be in la and just come back to toronto and like make an actual life for herself that’s the same friend who said that so mind you those are fears and things that i had so maybe it’s positive to have somebody out there in the world who voices it to make you actually face that ugliness but at the same time why are you always that person saying this [ __ ] like you’re a weirdo but i i felt like i always had the narrative like lauren’s the responsible good one i’m the gong show one lauren is like the corporate structured like um everything is together everything is organized one and i’m the one who’s all over the place but the real truth is we are a lot alike and yeah even in watching you um really devote yourself to social media like everybody can attest this you’re so good on camera um you’re so funny and witty and like i had messaged you and said like you’ve just never looked more beautiful it’s almost as if now too like you just started to really play into and like really embrace all of these beautiful talents that we both share that i feel like we’ve relegated to like that’s a chan thing um yeah and i also feel like similarly i’m now stepping into a lot of well those are lauren things and that’s what i’ve been demanding for mom and dad actually of late too because because i’ve been the gong show one for so long and you’ve been the responsible one people always talk to me like well you don’t know what you’re talking about you’re actually an idiot like you’re actually irresponsible and i’m like i’m really not so i want more of the respect and sureness that you have for lauren because i deserve that and then you deserve more of the praise more of the center stage that i get because you’re also deserving of that that to be said what do you anticipate will be the hardest part about us working together full-time and the easiest part i know how to be a compliment to you right um i think that i know how to adjust for you i know how to read your cues i know your language i understand i just feel like i know you so i feel like i i know you and i love you and i care about you so i feel like that’s going to enable a flow where i on the same side like the dark side of that is you know will will that and these are just things that i check myself on you know will that lead me to you know not give you certain respect in certain situations because we’re so familiar right um will i take advantage of that in in some situations as i have in the past and completely misread things um because i’ve just become so comfortable and complacent in our relationship interestingly enough when i read this question about the hardest and easiest part of working together the word ease is all i could focus on like i think about you coming like i think about christmas if i was 10 years old like oh my god like christmas is coming like everything’s gonna get better i’m gonna get everything that i want santa’s gonna spoil me like like you’re santa in my mind like santa’s coming so all of this like even this morning i woke up and i felt like such a tizzy for like i slept in which is incredible because i have a newborn baby so like extra sleep is great but then it also sets me back so then now i was like oh i gotta do this and i did that oh this thing isn’t organized that’s not organized like i’m trying to like care for ryu and i get ready and then there’s i’m letting lauren down who’s like really good and really scheduled and organized like the last thing i want is for you to i mean obviously i deserve the reputation that i have of not being on time and being disorganized but i’m like [ __ ] like here it goes again where you’re just gonna once again be like yeah it’s 10 30 and you’re nowhere to be seen so there’s just like that whole thing but i’m like when lauren comes it’s all going to make sense like she’s just going to fix everything so that is the easiest part the hardest part is acknowledging that i don’t want to be what we had a friend of ours and i overheard them had this conversation with you where they were like lauren come and facilitate my dreams for me like that’s what they were saying they were like i want to hire you to come and facilitate myself and this other person’s dreams because the truth is you can like you are so exceptionally talented and smart and forward-thinking and organized and a great planner and you have talents in in a crazy amount of areas like i didn’t even know you were good at graphic design i just why are you great at that i’m not quite sure but so because you have all of these incredible fundamental skills that i know can facilitate my dreams i do not want to be the person who tells you not to use those on yourself or who overloads you so much with needs of what i’m looking for to achieve as an individual that i don’t support your own greatness and how the talents you’ve acquired can make you that person who deserves to be on center stage so that’s a thing that i’m constantly battling with and i know that i’ve got to do better at asking you how i can in turn facilitate and be of help to you i think that yes but i i also recognize that that’s that’s that’s also a me job i need to get better at asking you for help and because i can very easily very very easily become the person behind a person like like you said that is a my job for the last like three years has been chief of staff in a sense right where i’m i’m the person who makes the person i’m working with and for look good and i can very very easily go and then essentially i and then i’ll look at it like if i’m gonna do some if i’m gonna do that for me i gotta do that on my own time i gotta do that by myself but i don’t have to do that by myself and i need to get better at asking you for help asking you for for assistance and feeling deserving of it but i think that especially because it’s so early on one i’m gaining confidence in a new area on my own but two i’m also busy trying to prove myself as an asset to you and jared because we’ve talked about this before i’m not being i’m not coming i i don’t want there to be a notion of like oh that’s so cool you’re hiring your sister like you know what i mean like i want my i want my skill sets so i’m i’m i’m very much in this proving myself place right now which which i should be like it’s a new job it’s a new it’s a new thing i’m learning new things i’ve got a beginner’s mindset so i’m prioritizing everything that has to do with you but i’m not asking you for anything that’s going to help me or i have trouble asking you for anything that’s going to help me that’s the same thing i challenge with with with shared right like shared is shannon jared but it because my business is so large and demanding we can really just tend to just focus on the first three letters only and um i don’t want that to happen and i don’t feel joy in that i don’t what i think about my 11 11 right now the first people that i think about and i wish for are my family like yeah the things that my greatest goals right now really don’t have a lot to do with what i want to personally achieve and that has to be reflected in the way that we are divvying up the schedule so i think that’s something that we should really talk about as a group and as a team like how do we because i also and i had this conversation you know i i mentor winnie harlow and we always make the joke that i would be the most incredible person to work with her um and work for her so i am like hr for her so i often help her hire people and if she has a problem with anybody on her team i’ll come in and help to manage that for her and she’s always like why don’t you just do this for me i’m like oh trust me i would be incredible like there are very few people who would be as great as i would be at being the person behind the person but i just spent my life always being the person so that just would feel foreign to me so i know that i have the exact same skills for you and i i’m very enthusiastic and excited to actually apply them to you yeah that’s cool that’s cool i actually have never thought of you as a person behind a person is there anything that i do that drives you insane the thing that drives me insane about you is something that i have learned how to embrace and appreciate and sometimes it’s about switching your paradigm um i feel like you over complicate things i feel like you will kind of like there will be a thing that we’re doing and then you’ll come in like last minute and be like let’s add 17 more layers when we did the toronto book club that was driving me insane um i think to the point where i was like i don’t know that i can work with shan which is why also i wanted to do happy main character energy with you so badly because it was like this is an opportunity to to to do this differently and i i did a lot of self-reflecting after uh we did the book club launch you know what i mean after we did the book club launch and even like and even like your wedding too it was like your wedding like you would just come with these things and it’s like ah just it kind of put me in this position where it’s like i feel like i’m constantly the no person i’m i feel like i’m constantly the like let’s be real about this person um but what i learned to embrace about it and why i actually do love it is i love it because it stretches it’s it stretches beyond like my realm of structure and that’s a good thing you know like i think that the thought diversity is exactly what’s required in order for companies and teams and organizations to thrive it is so good that you think differently from me and that’s the thing that used to frustrate me was like i would never think the things that shan thinks and that frustrates me and it’s like no i would never think the things that shan thinks and that’s why i need shan to think with me right now if we executed them your way people may not come away with that feeling they would have been like what was what was that but it’s to kind of take that idea and to pair it with okay well how do we execute it so that people aren’t confused so that it makes sense so that it jives like because we have that dialogue and because you’re so receptive like you’re not a my way or the highway person which makes it easy to have that dialogue with you so funny sometimes to have yourself reflected back to you in a way that you never looked at but you’re like that is so obvious um like to give the ballpark example at the wedding i wanted us to do uh like race on the lawn and a scavenger hunt because we had this big property that we had rented and you were like so people are going to be coming in their nice wedding dresses and crawling around on all fours to dig something up in the grass i’m like yes and then tracking mud into the rental house what we actually did was the games night and it wasn’t it was the most fun ever and people still talk about that to this day so i feel like that so here’s what i want to reflect because when i first read this question here’s what i said um and you’ll know this line lauren does everything exactly right there literally is nothing about me you that irritates me this is a line that somebody a daycare worker said to lauren once like as a parent you do everything exactly right and we make that joke a lot because you do you do everything exactly right don’t ever say anything to offend anybody like you’re just the person who everyone’s like oh that’s the exact perfect thing to do so i actually think that this doesn’t bother me about you at all but i challenge you to not do everything exactly right to not be afraid of doing something that was like oh that was cringe like making a mistake and then looking back and being like i went too far and too big so i think in this next iteration of you that’s going to be shinier and bolder and more in your face and less safe i think that lauren is does everything exactly right mantra has to die a little bit all right so this is a a question that kiandra had written down that i i don’t know if we’re gonna include this because the answer that i’m going to give we’ll just see um is there anything that you haven’t forgiven me for uh the the question that i the the thing that i kind of came up with when i thought about that because the the short answer is no i don’t think so um but i think that the things that weren’t necessarily your fault but i we’re just kind of what we were talking about in terms of the being your shadow and i think you know some of that that i was that i’ve been facing that are a result of you but they weren’t directed by you that’s what i would have talked about in that answer well i am sorry for that i am sorry i do because i do have a vivid memory too or like a loose memory of you having a dance recital once and me doing something to like make that about myself um i do know that that narrative that was created was not something that i was active in combating that i were you’re my older sister um but we’re not that much of an age gap where i don’t have an awareness about your feelings and so a lot of times i would have expectations for you or needs for our relationship without an acknowledgement as to why we didn’t have the connection that i wanted or the things that i wasn’t doing to support you so that you would feel like that’s my person like i was asking you to pick me when it was like you’re like everybody already picks you and you already get everything you want like why do i also have to be the one to like pick you to dance with or pick you to hang out with or at my wedding when all my friends are there and everyone’s flown down like why do i have to again make it about you so i do think that in my like desire to have this ultimate connection with you i also ignored all of the things that mattered to you um i am sorry about that okay i received that thank you i’ve never i’ve never granted ownership to you for that but thank you this is a random thing but when i was 16 or 17 i had a non-consensual sex act happen to me um with when i went to regent park on a bus that night the mom and dad weren’t there and i went and i traveled and i went to go hang out with somebody it they ended up taking advantage of me like relax they penetrated me without my permission and i came back home that morning i was like completely like just shocked by it um i had to wait until the bus started running in the morning to even leave that person’s house like i left like six in the morning and it was like a two hour bus ride to get back to pickering and i was just trying to collect like what happened how do i feel what was what going on there was like no cell phones back then either so i didn’t talk to anybody so you were the first person that woke up that morning and i spoke to and i told you what happened and then you were like so you went out there by yourself like what did you think was going to happen and that was like oh and i immediately stopped categorizing that experience my mind as like rape or an assault i was like i deserved that um i just never really heard you say that i’m sorry that happened to you yeah um i know and as you’re saying it’s like i remember exactly that situation i remember exactly that talk and i remember reflecting that even for years i haven’t thought about it recently but i was i have thought about it um years beyond when it actually happened and questioning why did i react that way what are the narratives that i’ve adopted um that have led to that led to me being so callous towards someone who i love who i would ultimately protect no matter what and i’m i’m really i’m i’m so sorry because protecting you is my it’s my has always been my priority you know when i remember like when you would get in trouble or i remember being like eight years old standing up to dad when he would be shouting at you or you know when you were going through track and and things like between you and dad were were were tumultuous like i remember him calling you names and i remember like standing in front of you a four foot six 75 pound one wet little child being like you don’t talk to her that way you don’t get to talk to her that way stand down and so how could that person not want to protect you in that moment or not feel like it was my job to protect you in that moment and i’m i’m incredibly sorry that was um ignorant it was callous and regretful and i’m i would never make that mistake with my daughter i shouldn’t have made it with you thank you um thank you for saying that and i i know that and it’s not like it’s something like when the question is said like some of you haven’t forgiven the first before like there’s no part of me that feels like that you would have stood by that at the time and there was just so much bad messaging i think that we had gotten um and a lot of that blame that was placed on us for i just think that that our sex life in general in our teens was not positive for either one of us and yeah there’s many different reasons for that and so it’s there’s no wonder that we couldn’t be a good support system for each other because we just didn’t have the right tools to even be good to ourselves many people do not believe this will work what are your thoughts when it comes to people who disagree with our choice to try to work together i think that there i think that those people who believe that are people who have seen us who to your point earlier are seeing us in those two very different narratives and not acknowledging how similar we are or how well we work together um or just writing off of the narratives that it’s never going to work because sans so out here and lauren’s so right here you know and it’s like but that’s exactly why it needs to come together you know um i think the person who makes me the most self-conscious um and i’m not saying that this person has ever said like this is not going to work but the person who makes me the most self-conscious is jared um yeah i was not expecting you to say that at all yeah i was thinking of the person who’s literally said to me like this will never work like lauren will never be able to like work with you in this way so but i’m curious please go on i’m most self-conscious about jared because i feel like the worst possible outcome is if you are stuck between me and jared and what if what if jared in my chemistry what if one day he’s like i can’t work with lauren i can’t i tried but the [ __ ] she does it just doesn’t i can’t vibe with it that that part makes me the that’s like to me the part that makes me the most self-conscious and the thing that i would kind of say like if anything was going to because also i i don’t know that he’ll ever that we have the relationship where he’ll just come to me straight and be like that was i didn’t like that you know what i mean so i i i don’t believe that he’ll come to me i believe that he’ll go to you which would make it which puts you in the middle you know um so i guess that that’s that’s something that makes me insecure about this well i think it’s a fair note to ask to say i think that we have a relationship in our family of people saying how they really feel to one another like i often only find out how mom and dad really feel about something through you um so i think that maybe that’s a habit that we really try to not continue on in this particular relationship and you have that too where you’re like i had no idea that there was an issue and i’m like yeah like they’ve been steaming mad for months maybe that’s that fear creeping into this setting it doesn’t necessarily apply in the same way because jared’s not like that but i can just see based on the dynamics that we’re accustomed to being a part of how that fear could be valid and we should definitely try to have a sit down and just clear and even you know we work with jared’s brother as well uh with cray and i have those fears of creative life is he uncomfortable if i’m telling him what to do like is it weird if i say stuff and so i probably should just voice that to him where it’s just like hey do you feel comfortable with this or would you prefer that we go through jared um but i think that that’s just a beautiful dialogue that people take for granted and at first like i said it seems crazy to me but like i think in reflection now i can kind of get where you’re like i don’t like the patterns of community that we’ve existed in together traditionally and i don’t want that to repeat in the work relationship last question is there anything that you want to say to me before we make this transition i’m really happy really really really i’m really happy i’m not even scared anymore i’ve spent a lot of months being scared i’ve spent a lot of years being scared but i’m really happy and i want want what you want i want what we want i want i want and i want i want our families to grow up together i want to be in ryu’s life i want to be i want to be her person the way that you’re that for my kids um i want us to sell our homes and i want us to buy a compound i want us to all live together in a shared household one day everybody can be old together you know so just i was just like wow i just didn’t know how much i didn’t do to say that because um when i read this question the last thing i said like oh what do i want to say to lauren literally my thought was like don’t [ __ ] me you know don’t like [ __ ] me in the end where you’re just like just kidding we’re not coming just kidding like you know what i mean like i’m just so afraid of embracing this reality because i think i’ve just spent so many years coping with uh accepting a different narrative like accepting like it’s not going to be that way and that’s okay even with cairo and zara like how much i love them and want them to love me and want them to know me and this is you know a fear that i haven’t moved to l.

a of like they’re just not going to remember or care about me anymore and not to say that that’s happened but i just know every time i come back there’s a little bit less and less right our connection is just a little bit duller than it was the last time um and then i just had to make peace with that of like that’s okay they’re growing older and things can wrap around and you know that i’ve experienced that with so many other relationships too just by virtue of the life i’ve chosen like palma and matisse like there’s ebbs and flows of times of closeness and separateness i have to take responsibility for because ultimately i’m one who chose to live somewhere else so i just feel like don’t [ __ ] me like please don’t like take it away from me the last minute like don’t let me get so excited and start to like embrace and open up and then it’s just like a just kidding thing because it just means so much to me that i i the mourning of that would just be really immense and heavy and that doesn’t guilt you because the end of the day you lauren does everything exactly right so i know if ultimately you have to make a different decision it will just be based on what’s best for you and your family which you’re incredible at prioritizing so i also acknowledge the selfishness in me even like saying that to you because i i know that you would never do that like as like a gotcha um so please disregard that comment because i don’t want you to feel like if you can’t to be this and we can’t do this that there should be any guilt on your part the end i don’t know i don’t even know what could because i remember when we were having that conversation about point of no return and i’m like i’m at the point you’re returning you’re like no you’re not it’s like actually yeah i am but in your mind even up to as we’re having this conversation i could still [ __ ] you because i’m not there yet right there’s still a time for me to pivot there’s still time for me to make another choice and i’m not that’s so far from my reality right now i embrace that i embrace you i embrace you i am literally overwhelmed by that conversation just want to turn off the camera and take some time to really sit and think but before i do that i owe a massive thank you of course to lauren for being a part of this video and to kiandra jackson for allowing us to have that beautiful conversation to the questions that she provided if you like kiandra like i like kiandra you’re going to love her book hard work or harmony i strongly hope that today’s conversation inspired you to try and tackle any barriers that exist in relationships that truly matter to you and if you do locate some barriers just know that’s okay and furthermore you don’t have to try to move them alone there are tools and services out there that can help to facilitate really meaningful conversations and move you towards whatever your ultimate goals are for example one of those services is better help and if you think getting in touch with a licensed professional could be advantageous to you then use my promo code betterhelp.

com booty that’s better h-e-l-p-d dot com slash booty because that’s how you get 10 off your first month of better help zebra let me just i’m gonna i knew i knew you were saying i i knew you were saying because basically every time every time you see me and basically your actions you’re like.